I've joined many 5km runs before but never really ran for any of it. Its just a matter of joining and having fun with my friends. But I decided to join a gym near my house last three weeks and I want to make a commitment to train hard for my marathon.
Running a marathon is far fetched idea, even for me, but I want to achieve something in my life that is worthwhile. That places me under discipline and routine, plus something to look forward to. I want to be healthier and fitter for my age. I'll probably register for a 10km or a half marathon (~21km) by next year to keep my spirits running.
But before I make any rash decision, I need to start somewhere. So I am committed to start joining 5km runs monthly so that I can be used to the training. Its easy for me to say that now since I am still unemployed so I need not to worry about work. But hopefully I can still train and run regularly when I do start working soon.
I want to keep a running log including my training so that I could see progress (or lack thereof -_-).
-Farah
Friday, December 11, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Graduation
24th July 2015 was the day the result of my last semester was published. I want to remember this date because I had never felt that nervous in my life, ever. Except this one day, a few years back.
I wanted to be a doctor all my life. Ever since I was a little kid, doctors are always so interesting. I look up to any doctors I had a chance meeting with. Growing up, I was also kind of an unhealthy kid. Fortunately not the dying kind but often enough, I find myself always going to the clinic/hospital. It was a variation of experiences but I have never met any doctor that I didn't like. I think I liked the idea of people depending on this "doctor", like I want people to depend on me too. I wanted that grace that doctors have, that simplicity.
In addition to this dream, I was also doing really well in school. I was excellent in my studies, and learning was never a big thing for me. It came to me almost naturally and I was always getting As, getting 1st's, etc. I loved school, I loved learning and I loved being knowledgeable. My dreams became more vivid. It has almost seem that I was destined to achieve this dream of mine.
After high school, when I was 17 years old, I was offered a full JPA scholarship to do dentistry in India. I cannot remember this date, but I remember this day. I was out at a dancing competition of which my bestfriend was in charged of. My father called me from home and told me my letters has arrived. I told him to open it and he did. As he read, I could sensed a little sadness in his voice.
I had to do a one and half years of A levels in Nilai to prepare me to fly to India. And during this period, I screwed up. I guess the freedom being by myself caught up to me, as I found myself doing things I couldn't do back home. I enjoyed my freedom too much that I abandoned my studies and was not focusing so much anymore. I remember the day I was to sit for my last paper, a very important paper and this sinking feeling when I opened the exam sheets.. I didn't know anything. Nothing was easy for me, it is as if somebody had asked me to read when I couldn't at all. The numbers were peculiar to me and the words did not made sense.
The day my lecturer called me about my A Levels result was the most horrible day I've ever had up to that point of my life. I felt surreal, like reality was so real that it didn't feel like anything anymore. I kept wanting to turn back time, not so that I can study harder but so I can just not ever step my feet into this journey. I wished I've taken a different path, settling to something more bearable and not end up breaking my own heart and so many other people's hearts in my life. I was a disappointment, I felt, even when my friends and family tried their best to console me. I felt insanely stupid, like I've always failed my entire life. I was angry at a lot of things, people and God and most definitely myself.
I had a year break when my dad convinced me to go to an engineering school. I was heartbroken and did not want to talk about this. Everytime I did, I felt my heart broke even more, and I could not stop crying. Until now, I have painfully blocked this memory in my mind and it hurts so bad when I am writing this. I hated engineering with a passion. The first two years I was nonchalantly making it through, studying just to barely pass. I spent all day and night hating every single person that taught me and everybody from university. I had a hard time making friends, as I was already so broken inside. Nothing and nobody in that uni appealed to me. I didn't join any clubs, I didn't wanna spend time at school, I wanted to get out of my classes and that uni as soon as possible.
Being a loner for two years has taught me a couple of things about myself. It has taught me to re-evaluate my life's perspectives. Most of the time I ate by myself, which I was embarrassed but then I realized after some time, nobody gives two fucks about me. I stopped focusing on other people and started to become more comfortable in my own skin. I worked harder as I had no friends, I had to take the initiatives to meet my lecturers by myself, bravely ask questions in class, or spent hours trying to solve my own problems. I got the courage to ask, which is the hardest thing for me to do but the aftermath of asking is so rewarding that I was kind of addicted to it.
Third year and onwards, I became more serious about my studies. No longer that I wanted to just pass but I felt like I should become the very best version of a student that I could be. I accidentally got close with this group of Chinese boys which I had no idea how but I was glad. They had the drive in life that I needed, that push which made me more productive. They were a fun bunch as well so I guess it was all fated.
I officially graduated on 27th October 2015, Bachelor of Engineering (Civil Engineering). Its been about a month and a half since I graduated and I am struggling to find a job. I hope that I can get a job soon to start off my career. I may not know what is installed for me in the future, and I may fail again but at least the second time is never as painful as the first time. I can only be helpful, grateful and strive to move forward in my life. I fully embraced my success, and I am proud of it. I think the best lesson I learned from this is humility. This kind of humility I cannot get anywhere but failing, so failure can be a great but sarcastic, harsh and mean teacher.
Here's to my future successful milestones. May I always stay humbled.
-Farah
I wanted to be a doctor all my life. Ever since I was a little kid, doctors are always so interesting. I look up to any doctors I had a chance meeting with. Growing up, I was also kind of an unhealthy kid. Fortunately not the dying kind but often enough, I find myself always going to the clinic/hospital. It was a variation of experiences but I have never met any doctor that I didn't like. I think I liked the idea of people depending on this "doctor", like I want people to depend on me too. I wanted that grace that doctors have, that simplicity.
In addition to this dream, I was also doing really well in school. I was excellent in my studies, and learning was never a big thing for me. It came to me almost naturally and I was always getting As, getting 1st's, etc. I loved school, I loved learning and I loved being knowledgeable. My dreams became more vivid. It has almost seem that I was destined to achieve this dream of mine.
After high school, when I was 17 years old, I was offered a full JPA scholarship to do dentistry in India. I cannot remember this date, but I remember this day. I was out at a dancing competition of which my bestfriend was in charged of. My father called me from home and told me my letters has arrived. I told him to open it and he did. As he read, I could sensed a little sadness in his voice.
I had to do a one and half years of A levels in Nilai to prepare me to fly to India. And during this period, I screwed up. I guess the freedom being by myself caught up to me, as I found myself doing things I couldn't do back home. I enjoyed my freedom too much that I abandoned my studies and was not focusing so much anymore. I remember the day I was to sit for my last paper, a very important paper and this sinking feeling when I opened the exam sheets.. I didn't know anything. Nothing was easy for me, it is as if somebody had asked me to read when I couldn't at all. The numbers were peculiar to me and the words did not made sense.
The day my lecturer called me about my A Levels result was the most horrible day I've ever had up to that point of my life. I felt surreal, like reality was so real that it didn't feel like anything anymore. I kept wanting to turn back time, not so that I can study harder but so I can just not ever step my feet into this journey. I wished I've taken a different path, settling to something more bearable and not end up breaking my own heart and so many other people's hearts in my life. I was a disappointment, I felt, even when my friends and family tried their best to console me. I felt insanely stupid, like I've always failed my entire life. I was angry at a lot of things, people and God and most definitely myself.
I had a year break when my dad convinced me to go to an engineering school. I was heartbroken and did not want to talk about this. Everytime I did, I felt my heart broke even more, and I could not stop crying. Until now, I have painfully blocked this memory in my mind and it hurts so bad when I am writing this. I hated engineering with a passion. The first two years I was nonchalantly making it through, studying just to barely pass. I spent all day and night hating every single person that taught me and everybody from university. I had a hard time making friends, as I was already so broken inside. Nothing and nobody in that uni appealed to me. I didn't join any clubs, I didn't wanna spend time at school, I wanted to get out of my classes and that uni as soon as possible.
Being a loner for two years has taught me a couple of things about myself. It has taught me to re-evaluate my life's perspectives. Most of the time I ate by myself, which I was embarrassed but then I realized after some time, nobody gives two fucks about me. I stopped focusing on other people and started to become more comfortable in my own skin. I worked harder as I had no friends, I had to take the initiatives to meet my lecturers by myself, bravely ask questions in class, or spent hours trying to solve my own problems. I got the courage to ask, which is the hardest thing for me to do but the aftermath of asking is so rewarding that I was kind of addicted to it.
Third year and onwards, I became more serious about my studies. No longer that I wanted to just pass but I felt like I should become the very best version of a student that I could be. I accidentally got close with this group of Chinese boys which I had no idea how but I was glad. They had the drive in life that I needed, that push which made me more productive. They were a fun bunch as well so I guess it was all fated.
I officially graduated on 27th October 2015, Bachelor of Engineering (Civil Engineering). Its been about a month and a half since I graduated and I am struggling to find a job. I hope that I can get a job soon to start off my career. I may not know what is installed for me in the future, and I may fail again but at least the second time is never as painful as the first time. I can only be helpful, grateful and strive to move forward in my life. I fully embraced my success, and I am proud of it. I think the best lesson I learned from this is humility. This kind of humility I cannot get anywhere but failing, so failure can be a great but sarcastic, harsh and mean teacher.
Here's to my future successful milestones. May I always stay humbled.
-Farah
Friday, August 7, 2015
Phone notes #2
Nothing is right about this feeling.
The uneasiness, the anxiety. The terrifying, worrying, sinking feeling. The unhealthy obsession thoughts wrap around this person, this stranger. Gush of endorphin. The calamity of his voice upon my shaky trembling hands. I took granted of the freedom of choice I had before, the choice to look away, to be unchained under these circumstances. Eloquent is his speech, mean are his jokes. What a turmoil of excitement and fear, all bubbling in one hot cauldron of emotions.
How I long to feel like this.
-Farah
The uneasiness, the anxiety. The terrifying, worrying, sinking feeling. The unhealthy obsession thoughts wrap around this person, this stranger. Gush of endorphin. The calamity of his voice upon my shaky trembling hands. I took granted of the freedom of choice I had before, the choice to look away, to be unchained under these circumstances. Eloquent is his speech, mean are his jokes. What a turmoil of excitement and fear, all bubbling in one hot cauldron of emotions.
How I long to feel like this.
-Farah
Phone notes #1
13/4/2015 8:25am
People find sadness in other people, in other people's misery. I cannot tell you how much people love misery. We are all drawn to it. It makes us feel bigger, more powerful. It kindles our soul like fire catching on oil. Humans are flammable. We get so egoistic and its the best feeling. To wee on other people's death is a strength. Because it is not our own.
-Farah
People find sadness in other people, in other people's misery. I cannot tell you how much people love misery. We are all drawn to it. It makes us feel bigger, more powerful. It kindles our soul like fire catching on oil. Humans are flammable. We get so egoistic and its the best feeling. To wee on other people's death is a strength. Because it is not our own.
-Farah
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Anxiety
My anxiety paralyzes me.
I cannot remember when exactly I knew this feeling got too much for my body. Everybody is a lil insecure, I'd say its normal. But when it halts you from doing a lot of things, resorting to avoidance and hiding, that's just bs.
I hate my anxiety. I wish I did not feel it so much. I don't know what I did to nurture this feeling into some monster that I am unable to control. The cure to anxiety is to seek help, but how do you do that when the word "seek" implies making a social connection to somebody, conversing in a normal manner.. Its impossible in my diction.
Social media has really ruined it for me. I do not want to be caught in the jargon of lies that the number of likes in Instagram or number of times my tweet is retweeted dictate who I am. But it does. I do not ask for it, but I kinda do.
Last night I took about 50 selfies of myself because a) I felt cute and b) My friend bought me a fake nose ring that I have been DYING to have cos facial piercing is my aesthetic. It took me two hours to go through each one and.. Delete everything. Tbh there were nice pictures that I thought I looked cute but my anxiety paralyzes me. I nit picked all my flawed, my eyebrow, my nose, my skin, my scarf, heck even my background. So I applied filters and I thought it looked okay.. For a second then I thought of how ugly I must be to used such ugly filters to cover so much ugly. At the end of the night (It was 2 am) I had one selfie that I thought looked okay with my nose ring and all. I stared and contemplated and I realized how pretentious and desperate I am to be cool. So I deleted that as well.
The source of my anxiety is that I am very judgmental. I confess, I judge people to the maximum. I used to be quite vocal about it too, but that made me bitter so I thought to keep it to myself these days. It is still in my head and sometimes I tell my thoughts to my family and friends. I know my judgement is harsh because whenever I confide to my f n f, all I hear is "THAT'S SO MEAN".
I know. I am mean. Very mean. But I guess I lived to that trait of mine and it backfires to me as well. Because I am pretty harsh at myself, I nit pick everything and live in constant anxiety.
-Farah
I cannot remember when exactly I knew this feeling got too much for my body. Everybody is a lil insecure, I'd say its normal. But when it halts you from doing a lot of things, resorting to avoidance and hiding, that's just bs.
I hate my anxiety. I wish I did not feel it so much. I don't know what I did to nurture this feeling into some monster that I am unable to control. The cure to anxiety is to seek help, but how do you do that when the word "seek" implies making a social connection to somebody, conversing in a normal manner.. Its impossible in my diction.
Social media has really ruined it for me. I do not want to be caught in the jargon of lies that the number of likes in Instagram or number of times my tweet is retweeted dictate who I am. But it does. I do not ask for it, but I kinda do.
Last night I took about 50 selfies of myself because a) I felt cute and b) My friend bought me a fake nose ring that I have been DYING to have cos facial piercing is my aesthetic. It took me two hours to go through each one and.. Delete everything. Tbh there were nice pictures that I thought I looked cute but my anxiety paralyzes me. I nit picked all my flawed, my eyebrow, my nose, my skin, my scarf, heck even my background. So I applied filters and I thought it looked okay.. For a second then I thought of how ugly I must be to used such ugly filters to cover so much ugly. At the end of the night (It was 2 am) I had one selfie that I thought looked okay with my nose ring and all. I stared and contemplated and I realized how pretentious and desperate I am to be cool. So I deleted that as well.
The source of my anxiety is that I am very judgmental. I confess, I judge people to the maximum. I used to be quite vocal about it too, but that made me bitter so I thought to keep it to myself these days. It is still in my head and sometimes I tell my thoughts to my family and friends. I know my judgement is harsh because whenever I confide to my f n f, all I hear is "THAT'S SO MEAN".
I know. I am mean. Very mean. But I guess I lived to that trait of mine and it backfires to me as well. Because I am pretty harsh at myself, I nit pick everything and live in constant anxiety.
-Farah
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
(A lot of mistakes)
I have always pride myself (first mistake) in being a commitment kind of girl. I go into a relationship when I feel (second mistake) like I am ready, when I feel like I can take care of this person. I think (third mistake) I know how to manage my emotions well and be conservative in handling conflict. When I make the decision to be with somebody, I am always thinking about how it can grow into a future (fourth mistake). Yes, I am a to-marry kind of girl. (fifth mistake) Heck, that's how I rationalize my decision to be with somebody (sixth mistake), I would look at you and be like, you're cute and you smell really nice but are you as intelligent as I think you are, in ten years, in front of my triplets?
You are either a friend, a person I am dating or a person I am a relationship with.
Friend: Your hair is ugly.
Translation: Your hair is ugly, and I can say this cause you and I are close.
A person I am dating. Your hair is ugly.
Translation: Your hair is ugly :) and no, I don't mind accompanying to the saloon cause I like you quite a lot, and I want to spend time with you.
A person I am a relationship with: Your hair is ugly
Translation. Your hair is ugly. Sayang.
The scariest thing about commitment is that it is permanent. At least for me. If I say I want to commit to you, our relationship, know that I would not leave even if we argue for days. I will always try to make it up or solve it, maybe not in the best way, but the idea is, I will try for you because I made up my mind on that day I said yes to us.
I have been in love twice in my life. I have dated a handful of people. I have been dumped and dumped somebody.
So what do I really know about this, commitment, relationship, dating thing?
All I know is.. I do not know what I want.
But the nice thing about this is, I do not have to. Life secrets are all in the cliches.
I will fall in love. I will be happy with this person, not all the time, but we can make that work. I will commit to a person so hard that his entire existence will become a major part of my life. I will be content, Yep, content with my decision.
But for now, I will continue to write as a single person and rant my frustrations as a single person.
-Farah
You are either a friend, a person I am dating or a person I am a relationship with.
Friend: Your hair is ugly.
Translation: Your hair is ugly, and I can say this cause you and I are close.
A person I am dating. Your hair is ugly.
Translation: Your hair is ugly :) and no, I don't mind accompanying to the saloon cause I like you quite a lot, and I want to spend time with you.
A person I am a relationship with: Your hair is ugly
Translation. Your hair is ugly. Sayang.
The scariest thing about commitment is that it is permanent. At least for me. If I say I want to commit to you, our relationship, know that I would not leave even if we argue for days. I will always try to make it up or solve it, maybe not in the best way, but the idea is, I will try for you because I made up my mind on that day I said yes to us.
I have been in love twice in my life. I have dated a handful of people. I have been dumped and dumped somebody.
So what do I really know about this, commitment, relationship, dating thing?
All I know is.. I do not know what I want.
But the nice thing about this is, I do not have to. Life secrets are all in the cliches.
I will fall in love. I will be happy with this person, not all the time, but we can make that work. I will commit to a person so hard that his entire existence will become a major part of my life. I will be content, Yep, content with my decision.
But for now, I will continue to write as a single person and rant my frustrations as a single person.
-Farah
Friend$ter
Have you ever cyber stalked someone and imagine how they would be in real life?
Back when Friendster was the thing, I never felt like anyone was pretending to be someone else. Of all the friends I had, they were exactly how they presented themselves virtually and in real life.
Is that a good thing? That we humans had evolved into this generation of liars, portraying an image of such and living as an another?
Or maybe,
The person we portray online is really who we are, its just.. another side of us.
I am all about non-fiction books and there was one book I read that discussed the human mind. Did you know that the brain, divided into the left and the right, each has a mind of its own? The right brain is supposedly the artsy, poetic, imaginary side of us while the left is more of the serious, logical, rational side. We (Read: I) spent hours taking online quizzes to know whether we are more of a left brain-er or the other. Simply put, we are both, nonetheless. However, here's the best part, regardless how dominant our right brain is, our left brain acts as a gatekeeper. He (She? It??) makes all the decisions at the end of the day. All of our "consciousness" is a product of the left brain's decision making. So, as jarring as it is, we kind of have two living consciousness in our brain, albeit which is more dominant. Two different entities. Two different things.. humans.. person.. brains.. thinking.. matters.. things.
So where was I?
Ah, so to answer my own question.
Yes, and yes. Some people are assholes both as they presented themselves online and in real life. Most of the people I know are lovely.
I hope I presented myself well on both worlds. Maybe I'm a lil cooler online, if I may say so myself.
-Farah
-Farah
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