Anxiety

My anxiety paralyzes me.

I cannot remember when exactly I knew this feeling got too much for my body. Everybody is a lil insecure, I'd say its normal. But when it halts you from doing a lot of things, resorting to avoidance and hiding, that's just bs.

I hate my anxiety. I wish I did not feel it so much. I don't know what I did to nurture this feeling into some monster that I am unable to control. The cure to anxiety is to seek help, but how do you do that when  the word "seek" implies making a social connection to somebody, conversing in a normal manner.. Its impossible in my diction.

Social media has really ruined it for me. I do not want to be caught in the jargon of lies that the number of likes in Instagram or number of times my tweet is retweeted dictate who I am. But it does. I do not ask for it, but I kinda do.

Last night I took about 50 selfies of myself because a) I felt cute and b) My friend bought me a fake nose ring that I have been DYING to have cos facial piercing is my aesthetic. It took me two hours to go through each one and.. Delete everything. Tbh there were nice pictures that I thought I looked cute but my anxiety paralyzes me. I nit picked all my flawed, my eyebrow, my nose, my skin, my scarf, heck even my background. So I applied filters and I thought it looked okay.. For a second then I thought of how ugly I must be to used such ugly filters to cover so much ugly. At the end of the night (It was 2 am) I had one selfie that I thought looked okay with my nose ring and all. I stared and contemplated and I realized how pretentious and desperate I am to be cool. So I deleted that as well.

The source of my anxiety is that I am very judgmental. I confess, I judge people to the maximum. I used to be quite vocal about it too, but that made me bitter so I thought to keep it to myself these days. It is still in my head and sometimes I tell my thoughts to my family and friends. I know my judgement is harsh because whenever I confide to my f n f, all I hear is "THAT'S SO MEAN".

I know. I am mean. Very mean. But I guess I lived to that trait of mine and it backfires to me as well. Because I am pretty harsh at myself, I nit pick everything and live in constant anxiety.

-Farah