I wanted to be a doctor all my life. Ever since I was a little kid, doctors are always so interesting. I look up to any doctors I had a chance meeting with. Growing up, I was also kind of an unhealthy kid. Fortunately not the dying kind but often enough, I find myself always going to the clinic/hospital. It was a variation of experiences but I have never met any doctor that I didn't like. I think I liked the idea of people depending on this "doctor", like I want people to depend on me too. I wanted that grace that doctors have, that simplicity.
In addition to this dream, I was also doing really well in school. I was excellent in my studies, and learning was never a big thing for me. It came to me almost naturally and I was always getting As, getting 1st's, etc. I loved school, I loved learning and I loved being knowledgeable. My dreams became more vivid. It has almost seem that I was destined to achieve this dream of mine.
After high school, when I was 17 years old, I was offered a full JPA scholarship to do dentistry in India. I cannot remember this date, but I remember this day. I was out at a dancing competition of which my bestfriend was in charged of. My father called me from home and told me my letters has arrived. I told him to open it and he did. As he read, I could sensed a little sadness in his voice.
I had to do a one and half years of A levels in Nilai to prepare me to fly to India. And during this period, I screwed up. I guess the freedom being by myself caught up to me, as I found myself doing things I couldn't do back home. I enjoyed my freedom too much that I abandoned my studies and was not focusing so much anymore. I remember the day I was to sit for my last paper, a very important paper and this sinking feeling when I opened the exam sheets.. I didn't know anything. Nothing was easy for me, it is as if somebody had asked me to read when I couldn't at all. The numbers were peculiar to me and the words did not made sense.
The day my lecturer called me about my A Levels result was the most horrible day I've ever had up to that point of my life. I felt surreal, like reality was so real that it didn't feel like anything anymore. I kept wanting to turn back time, not so that I can study harder but so I can just not ever step my feet into this journey. I wished I've taken a different path, settling to something more bearable and not end up breaking my own heart and so many other people's hearts in my life. I was a disappointment, I felt, even when my friends and family tried their best to console me. I felt insanely stupid, like I've always failed my entire life. I was angry at a lot of things, people and God and most definitely myself.
I had a year break when my dad convinced me to go to an engineering school. I was heartbroken and did not want to talk about this. Everytime I did, I felt my heart broke even more, and I could not stop crying. Until now, I have painfully blocked this memory in my mind and it hurts so bad when I am writing this. I hated engineering with a passion. The first two years I was nonchalantly making it through, studying just to barely pass. I spent all day and night hating every single person that taught me and everybody from university. I had a hard time making friends, as I was already so broken inside. Nothing and nobody in that uni appealed to me. I didn't join any clubs, I didn't wanna spend time at school, I wanted to get out of my classes and that uni as soon as possible.
Being a loner for two years has taught me a couple of things about myself. It has taught me to re-evaluate my life's perspectives. Most of the time I ate by myself, which I was embarrassed but then I realized after some time, nobody gives two fucks about me. I stopped focusing on other people and started to become more comfortable in my own skin. I worked harder as I had no friends, I had to take the initiatives to meet my lecturers by myself, bravely ask questions in class, or spent hours trying to solve my own problems. I got the courage to ask, which is the hardest thing for me to do but the aftermath of asking is so rewarding that I was kind of addicted to it.
Third year and onwards, I became more serious about my studies. No longer that I wanted to just pass but I felt like I should become the very best version of a student that I could be. I accidentally got close with this group of Chinese boys which I had no idea how but I was glad. They had the drive in life that I needed, that push which made me more productive. They were a fun bunch as well so I guess it was all fated.
I officially graduated on 27th October 2015, Bachelor of Engineering (Civil Engineering). Its been about a month and a half since I graduated and I am struggling to find a job. I hope that I can get a job soon to start off my career. I may not know what is installed for me in the future, and I may fail again but at least the second time is never as painful as the first time. I can only be helpful, grateful and strive to move forward in my life. I fully embraced my success, and I am proud of it. I think the best lesson I learned from this is humility. This kind of humility I cannot get anywhere but failing, so failure can be a great but sarcastic, harsh and mean teacher.
Here's to my future successful milestones. May I always stay humbled.
-Farah
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