(A lot of mistakes)

I have always pride myself (first mistake) in being a commitment kind of girl. I go into a relationship when I feel (second mistake) like I am ready, when I feel like I can take care of this person. I think (third mistake) I know how to manage my emotions well and be conservative in handling conflict. When I make the decision to be with somebody, I am always thinking about how it can grow into a future (fourth mistake). Yes, I am a to-marry kind of girl. (fifth mistake) Heck, that's how I rationalize my decision to be with somebody (sixth mistake), I would look at you and be like, you're cute and you smell really nice but are you as intelligent as I think you are, in ten years, in front of my triplets?

You are either a friend, a person I am dating or a person I am a relationship with.

Friend: Your hair is ugly.
Translation: Your hair is ugly, and I can say this cause you and I are close.

A person I am dating. Your hair is ugly.
Translation: Your hair is ugly :) and no, I don't mind accompanying to the saloon cause I like you quite a lot, and I want to spend time with you.

A person I am a relationship with: Your hair is ugly
Translation. Your hair is ugly. Sayang.

The scariest thing about commitment is that it is permanent. At least for me. If I say I want to commit to you, our relationship, know that I would not leave even if we argue for days. I will always try to make it up or solve it, maybe not in the best way, but the idea is, I will try for you because I made up my mind on that day I said yes to us.

I have been in love twice in my life. I have dated a handful of people. I have been dumped and dumped somebody.

So what do I really know about this, commitment, relationship, dating thing?

All I know is.. I do not know what I want.
But the nice thing about this is, I do not have to. Life secrets are all in the cliches.

I will fall in love. I will be happy with this person, not all the time, but we can make that work. I will commit to a person so hard that his entire existence will become a major part of my life. I will be content, Yep, content with my decision.

But for now, I will continue to write as a single person and rant my frustrations as a single person.

-Farah

Friend$ter

Have you ever cyber stalked someone and imagine how they would be in real life?

Back when Friendster was the thing, I never felt like anyone was pretending to be someone else. Of all the friends I had, they were exactly how they presented themselves virtually and in real life. 

Is that a good thing? That we humans had evolved into this generation of liars, portraying an image of such and living as an another?

Or maybe,

The person we portray online is really who we are, its just.. another side of us. 

I am all about non-fiction books and there was one book I read that discussed the human mind. Did you know that the brain, divided into the left and the right, each has a mind of its own? The right brain is supposedly the artsy, poetic, imaginary side of us while the left is more of the serious, logical, rational side. We (Read: I) spent hours taking online quizzes to know whether we are more of a left brain-er or the other. Simply put, we are both, nonetheless. However, here's the best part, regardless how dominant our right brain is, our left brain acts as a gatekeeper. He (She? It??) makes all the decisions at the end of the day. All of our "consciousness" is a product of the left brain's decision making. So, as jarring as it is, we kind of have two living consciousness in our brain, albeit which is more dominant. Two different entities. Two different things.. humans.. person.. brains.. thinking.. matters.. things. 

So where was I?

Ah, so to answer my own question. 

Yes, and yes. Some people are assholes both as they presented themselves online and in real life. Most of the people I know are lovely. 

I hope I presented myself well on both worlds. Maybe I'm a lil cooler online, if I may say so myself.

-Farah

Hello

This is probably my 20th time setting up a blog and hopefully, I would not end up deleting it like yknow, the last nineteen times lol.

I just want to write again. I have so much in, on my mind. Sometimes I would write them like under a word file and just save it. I want to share these crazy notions in my head but I can't because twitter cannot support more than 140 characters, ha ha ha.

I was always a writer and a reader, but I realized I have not been doing that for the last five years. So much has change in my life that I am kinda surprised at how my life turns out. It is really entertaining for me to look back and think of the things I thought I knew and understand, and man, how wrong was I. Maybe its the consciousness of my adult brain or just the mee pok I ate that made me realize that someday, like, maybe 6 years from now I would look back and think of my younger self (me now) and say the same thing. Like, man, you were wrong and pink was never your colour.

I want to write freely. I want to write about my days. No matter how boring they are. I want to write about silly stuffs, I want to write about things that annoy me. I want to write about my parents and my sister, my friends and our adventures, the places I've been, Nicki Minaj and all that. It is important, for me to write this and make (some) sense out of it, because I feel that's important. Simply because I feel like it is. Simply because I like to write short pretentious sentences. Like. This. Sorta. Kinda.

If I can get back one thing from the past, it would be my self confidence. My insecurity is at all time high rn. Deep down I feel like burying myself into the dirt and digging myself out whenever convenient, or when there's food. I am seeking closure, from all the hate and anger that have been going in and out of my life. I force myself to see everybody in the greatest light there is, and I want to be braver in being nice.

This is a weird introduction to a new blog. But, yea, so, yeah.

Three things:
1. This might get weird y'll.
2. There will be a lot of self reflection. And typos and bad grammar. And stupid irrelevant post about beings and stuff. Might regret it, might get ingga and might delete blog again.
3. I like food because its the only thing that I can seriously commit to right now (and forever).

-Farah